I am not a kind of person who likes surprises , mostly bad ones. I like to plan things ahead. I try to remove uncertainty as much as possible. I know when I am prepare for something then I seldom fail at. I am good at studying however my social skills & social connection virtually non-existent.
I don’t have 3 AM friend. I never had one. I will never have one. Because who I am. And I am ok with it. I know if I die in my room then only way people are going to find about it is when it starts degradating. No one visits my room. I want no one to visit my room, but me. That’s my sacred place. That’s where I rest . That’s where I feel safe. That’s where I flourish. That’s where maintenance happens. I am completely ok with it.
The apartment I live in right now , I have to vacate it in one month. Freiburg , it is difficult to find single apartment compare to shared apartment. That’s what I hear. Last 3 years I have been living in single apartment (In India & now here). Partly because of medical condition & mostly because I LOVE it that way.
Did you see uncertainty here ? I may get an apartment or not. Because chances seem to be low. And that freaks me out. 3 Semester papers can’t even dare to cause nervousness in my mind. But this small thing of finding apartment makes me feel like helpless , not in control of my situation. This is the exactly feeling you get when someone is pointing a gun at your head & you know you are going to die. Death is not scary but the fact is you are helpless is.
This is just one example. You can imagine how many things make me overwhelmed daily basis, just because I am sensitive , emotional , introvert. Sometimes I think , I don’t belong here. I miss my planet, my people, people like me.
You know what is really heartbreaking that I always have been forced to choose between my struggle & money. And we never had enough money. “Live with four people & save some money ” ” You have to adjust and that thing even real ” ” What is there to be afraid of ?” ” You are not normal ” ” Act like normal world”
I have one request GOD: Can you end this for me please ? I am begging you to end this . This constant struggle to fit in. I am tired of all of this. Please.