Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

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Zero Expectation

I don’t remember the last time I wrote a blog here. It has been long time. I have been spending more time on camsites chasing happiness , working on my job and gym. I couldn’t spend any time here. I wasn’t motivated enough. One thing you should know about me is I don’t do anything unless I want to or I am forced.  So I am sorry to my followers that I showed my back to you.  Forgive me.

Coming back to the title of this blog. Once you have expectation and it doesn’t become true then you get hurt. That is how it is. It applies to everything in life. You expect sunny day but it fucking rains. Damn …your mood is gone . You expect promotion but manager thinks otherwise. There you go down. You get my point. This is not my innovation. In Bhagwat Gita , Lord Krishna says you become happy or sad when you have expectation. Once you remove it, you are free. They can’t touch you.

As you know I have been trying to move out India since 2013. It is not happening. I expected to happen sooner but it didn’t. Now I don’t care at all. Same with love life.  I am 28, still to get into relationship. It didn’t happen . Now I don’t care. Same with life. Many things are not working the way I want . Now I don’t care. It is what it is. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Happens or not.  I have no expectation from life or any one.

Reminds me of powerful quote :

No One Owes You Anything. No One.

That’s it . That is the message . That is the theme I am working on. Thanks for reading this. Comment if you want to say thing. Have nice day ahead.