Fire In My Eyes !!!

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Marriage & Children Vs Individual Happiness

Out of 4 friends I have , three are already married. One is enjoying himself in London as he discovered what a full bottle (quality) of wine can do to your nervous system. We all are 27-29 age group. I am happy for them.

As far as I am concerned , I am almost 28 , and still don’t see marriage happening in near future( 2 years). My parents don’t like this.  This is India. Indian culture. Marriage is sacred cow. After 25, everyone in the village starts asking “When are you getting married?” . I am like ,” Who are you Sir ?”  That is the way it is. I was born here so culture is culture same like Brexit means Brexit.

As you might already know my style of writing, I don’t give fuck to other people except my family.  I am still not excited about getting married. Rather I am terrified of it. I see with my very eyes this nation crumbling under stress of population. I see 4-5 members families living in one room. No privacy at all.

I can’t picture my daughter living in this hell. I can’t tolerate love of my life suffering in this hell. No way I am getting married in this country. I am physically incapable of loving anyone even me in this toxic environment. Even if I get married here , I am sure my wife will leave me in two months. I am pretty sure of that.

Being single is not that bad. I have small hall, kitchen for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can sleep whenever I want. I study at any time. I don’t have to take responsibility of one more person. I don’t have to  take another person for movie , garden ( In India we actually don’t have any privacy spot.SICK) .  I don’t have to change diaper of crying baby. I don’t have to SAVE money for my daughter education & cut down expenses on my study. (In India)

It is sick to see people starting family when they can’t even afford to fund one person’s decent life. It’s like let’s ruin four more lives with me. And that FYI is INDIAN culture.

However deep down  I do want to settle , get married & have four kids. Wonderful family just like Mr.Trump. I wish I was not born here and forced to choose between my individual happiness & marriage-children . That is sad life.  It fascinates me what life forces me to do. Sadly ,I am creature of my circumstances , not good position for a man who loves liberty.

 

Happy Independance Day The USA.

God bless the greatest nation this planet has ever seen .

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America, I wish I didn’t know you.

( No edit  Just writing )

I was 6 0r 7 years old when I heard a word “America”. It felt good to hear. It got register in my heart permanently. It used to make appearance here & there in newspapers , TV. I was a kid from lower middle class family living in a small village of India’s west coast. I wish I didn’t hear the word “America”. Little did I know then that my youth is going affected like never before when I would get addicted to idea of being in America.

I am 27 now , soon 28. I should have got married by now. I should have settled like my friends did. Married, Wife, Happy Parents, Peace with life. No, that is not the case. There is no peace in my life. I had just returned from Germany where my master study abrupted by lack of finance. I lost two years worth of my life. And lot money I ashamed to admit. I have put my parents into a lot of pain . My siblings have suffered. But look at me , I am still adamant on idea of “being in America”. I wish I could delete America from memory. I can’t be at peace with my life till my feet the land of opportunity.

I wish I was born there. I wish I was there already eliminating rat race which I have to go through to get there. I am loosing my life. My time . My money. My health.  So I am not really sure when I get there I will be able to enjoy. If I reach there by 30 & married. How on earth I am going to enjoy my life at NYC? Forget enjoyment can I afford it?  Someone will say move to another city , what is the point of going through all this and just to let go my goal , bucket list. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when sun is going to shine. I don’t know when the  night is going to end. I don’t know if I will there when this done. I don’t know….