Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

Advertisements