Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

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Welcome to SONA.

If you haven’t watch Prison Break then this is a SPOILER ALERT for you . Also, you will not understand my message here.

When I was in Germany and had a “privilege”  of Netflix , I watched this serial. From first episode I was hooked. I wanted to finish all seasons, but couldn’t as I had to come back to India. I watched  till the episode where Scofield escaped from SONA. Now, I can’t watch it because internet speed & charges here are “out of the world”.

Any way, this series kind of struck a chord with me. I felt like it is my story. The third world country I was born in is like Fox River which I broke in OCT 2015 after 26 years of effort . That is when I went to Germany. I was relieved you know. I could not believe it like Linc / Michael. India is nothing short of Fox River . We have too many T-bag, few Sucre , abundant Tweener etc. you name it. It is scary you know for someone who is yet to involve in physical violence or who is soft at heart. That is where I feel for Scofield. That poor thing went through hell to save his brother. He had to do stuff which he would not have done if he had a choice. Same here. I can relate to it. Prison changes you. Prison forced you to become evil. A constant struggle between right & wrong.

Till May 2016 , I was out of Fox River , but somewhere deep I knew this is not over yet. I “They” were still after me. And then it happened , I had to move back due to financial problem. It scared the crap out of me. I know this time around it it going to be more tougher than previous time. I was MOVING to SONA. I couldn’t believe how similar my life is with Prison Break. Scofield had moved to SONA. I was moving to India. You might say this is just imagination. Yes, it is until…

When I landed in India , I started feeling the HEAT.  It was 45 degree celsius. I was sweating literally from everywhere. That was hell of change from pleasant cool dreamy 8/10 degree celsius of Freiburg . The gate of HELL has opened. WELCOME TO SONA, Scofield. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS YOUR DEATH.

At my brother’s tiny room when I sit on mat after refreshing myself , guess what I saw ?  The brand name of the mat I sat on  SONA SONA SONA .  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME .  I was sweating again in spite of violent ceiling fan above my head.

That is the story guys. So far. I am still in SONA. I can see T-Bag has arrived. I don’t have Linc outside. I may have Sucre somewhere , but he could be busy with his wife. Sara, I am yet to meet her. I don’t know if she is alive or not. Death is constant threat. One day at a time , guys. One day. I am working on escape , but this time around it is gonna be easy . Welcome to SONA. Did you hear that? SONA SONA SONA ( Crowds cheering getting louder ) ….

Walking Dead in India

No , this is not about the Netflix serial.  But kind of related to it.

Do you know how face of dead man look ?  It looks like there is no life in it. No surprise there , dead means not alive. No blood flow. No life in skin. Insipid . Lifeless.

Where do you see those faces ? I heard you say , “funeral” You are right. You saw them in funeral you attended.  Did you enjoy those faces ? Static faces , no smile , no emotion. Did you ??  I hope not. You wish you don’t have to see them again. Instead you would like to see them “alive” “smiling” ” full of life” , right ?  I am with you on this one.  We love to see “Alive” faces. That reminds us that we are “living” creature.

NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO SEE AROUND ME ?    DEAD PEOPLE

What a joy that is !  I have no words to explain. From Morning to Night , From January to December, from Monday to Sunday , I am privileged to live with DEAD people.  What an fucking honor !

It’s like someone has sucked LIFE out of people from this country.  They are DEAD. They know they are DEAD. They wish they are DEAD. I can see HELPLESS on their faces . I see no smile. They no longer CARE . “If you don’t like my face, don’t look” ” I hate my life that is what this face, a dead face” .

No hi , hello to stranger. Because every other stranger is COMPETITOR or BARRIER between me & my happiness. That is true ,  there isn’t enough for everyone. Someone has to die. Someone has to  be left hungry . Someone has to unhappy. Everyone just want to make sure that they are not the “someone”.

Who needs  Netflix when I can literally live “Walking Dead” in India? WHO ????  By the way, I am dead too. Trust me , now days I don’t even look myself into the mirror. What is there to see in DEAD man ??  I make faces . You can see on face that I no longer CARE. I don’t CARE that I almost ran over a girl while catching the bus. I don’t CARE people spitting on road. I don’t CARE the bus smells like urine. I don’t CARE my food might contain sweat of human or worst. BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEAD. I am just WAITING for my body to DIE. Did you hear what I said? I AM FUCKING WALKING DEAD. Now Get out of my way .

I hope GOD is Proud of HIMSELF .  WHY WOULDn’t HE?

 

Pray for this/that , Okay I get it.

Every now & then some tragedy happens in the world. Then it starts: The Race Who Is More Sympathetic or let’s create some proof that I CARE about humanity.

First in the line are our beloved celebrities rather their highly smart PR team. Once they tweet like , “Pray for Paris. Stay Strong and #blah #blah #IAmNotEvenSober #Blah”.Most of the fans like ,” Aawww …”. Tears rolling . After that retweet , repost ; it is like freaking epidemic. These so called “alert” people want to tell their friends/ followers ,most of them hardly give a shit, that ,” Look , I am good at heart, even though I totally did cheat on my wife. It was awesome. But , look how sad I am for London. No wait , it’s Paris or whatever. ” Morons.

I get it why celebrity do it but you and me I don’t understand.How exactly your post about “Pray for Paris” is gonna change your character? Or after this post will you be in everyone’s good book ? I don’t think so.

Let me ask you one question. When was the last time you took a leave from your work just to attend your friend’s very close relative or parents funeral ? I think, we need to stop faking this sympathy and start actually showing it through actions. I like people who actually only care about themselves and their family/friends in true sense and show honest to God sympathy in real life instead of this show -off.