I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday. I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.
As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl. I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.
How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card. I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck. Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support. But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.
I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret. If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.
Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left. I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere just stuck by sheer complexity of life . I got overwhelmed by environment. I got beaten down by this shitty country . Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up? I have no answer to this quandary.
Okay. Listen folks. It is about her. The girl I met in Summer 69. No no ! I think it was Summer of 2013. You can see that post somewhere in my blog. I have uploaded her picture and if she sees it then she is going to kill me for sure. Shh.. please don’t tell her. Anyway yesterday I visited her profile after long time, and guess what I saw She moved to Texas.
Texas ! Can you believe that?
As you know I have been planning to move USA last 3-4 years , but no luck. Without Rich dad , it is not easy. But I am not giving up though I am aging . I don’t know why she went there, but my best guess is for Master education . And the worst case is she married to NRI.In that case , this blog is waste of time. But let’s hope that is not the case.
Did you know the movies serendipity ? **Spoiler alert** How she writes her number on the book and finally that book reaches to the guy when he was about to get married to another girl. I love that movie. It feels right. That kind of story is worth living. So, I assume she is not gonna get married next 2 years. Plus 6 months to find a job. 30 months that’s it.
30 months for My Serendipity in USA !
Actually I told her in EMAIL that I won’t disturb her unless she wants me to. By the way that was an epic story. Let me know if you want hear it. So I can’t contact her directly. Via universe is possible. Via Law Of attraction in possible. Also, I will be here in India till mid 2017 in worst case. I hope till then She doesn’t fall in love with White boy. Which is less likely than other way around because she LOOKS like Angel. Any way , I can’t control that I hope she will Single when we Seredipitically meet. And my relationship status, don’t worry it has not changed since 1988 when I was born. So , of course I will be single.
Do me a favor if you have direct connection with God ,please pray for me. Thanks.
“Don’t compare yourself with others.” We hear this wisdom passed on to us everyday. “Appreciate what you have” “Don’t look into others’ plate” and all that shit. You heard me right SHIT.
You have brain . Like good brain. You can analyse what is wrong , what is right . You can decide what you want. So you have formalise your dreams, goals. Your ideal life. And then you CAN’t seems to get it. You are being DENIED because you are in QUEUE. Let’s face it what you want is what everyone want. So WAIT and WAIT. You know you are getting old. You know “Ideal” life is pretty useless if you go bald or you don’t have teeth. You are sick of this wait.
Now you are on LinkedIn/ FB, Instagram or whatever social fuck you prefer . And there you see what ? Your IDEAL life . Yes exactly you dreamed of. It’s there . It exists. It is possible. BUT BUT I mean REAL BUTTY BUT you are not living it. Someone else is milking it in front of your eyes. SLAM . Now you don’t even have a laptop.
In what way are you expect me to be CALM by seeing what-his-face living my DREAM life. That is like watching Unfaithful all over again. It boils my blood that my dreams are being eaten alive by another human being and I can’t do anything. I am DENIED. How fair is this ? Everyday I push myself out of the bed through this HELL because I HOPE I will live my dream life. But then I find people living it IN FRONT of my eyes. That is just wrong . That is just horrible. Why God just end this life & dreams along with it ? This is so wrong. This is just betrayal. Don’t compare my foot.
I adore New York ; never been there ,but still like no one else. Given a choice I would shift to the city in a flash. But I can’t. I am a man of circumstances. They dictate my future. I was born in a country where there is long queue ( read 3-4 years) for immigration. Everyone wants to get the hell out of here as soon as first opportunity arrises. Who can blame Man ? Man always had desire to do better for himself. That’s ok.
On Saturday & Sunday , I am usually free to do what I want. But I never do anything except eating & staring at my laptop. I live in a city which I hate last 6 years. Population is humongous. So , introvert like me is even afraid to step out of door .
I love sunset. But never went to see. I love dancing in rains. But never did. I love parks. But we don’t have one. I love trains . But they are smelly & crowded. I love walking. But there is no quiet place. I love going to libraries . But we don’t have one. I love falling in love. But I am afraid of honour killing here .
Basically, I have been spending last 6 years’ of my weekend hiding in my room & waiting to somehow land in USA to enjoy my freedom.
Meantime I try to IMAGINE what it is like to live in New York while staring at ceiling. I try to IMAGINE what it is like to roam in the Central Park. I try to IMAGINE what it is like looking from the top of the Empire State building. I try hard to IMAGINE what it is like to immerse oneself in a crowd of Times Square. I try to IMAGINE enjoying broadway show with like minded people. I try to IMAGINE what it is like to have philosophical conversation with your best friend while gazing at the Statue of Liberty. I try to IMAGINE what freedom tastes like.
But Guess what ? I CAN’T I CAN’T
It KILLS me that my brain isn’t capable of doing those things. I can’t imagine any of those how hard I try , how long I try.
I can’t CREATE experience via Imagination. I can’t.
That is feeling of Man who is helpless in front of circumstances. The Man who is waiting to live his life. The Man who already lost 1/3 of his life WAITING. The Man who sees no immediate sign of LIFE coming to his life. The Man who is just imagine things. The Man who has not yet EXPERIENCE the life he wants. The Man is counting on his good luck. The Man who prays almighty to help him to get his TRUE life back. The Man who is just creature of its circumstance and nothing else..