80% of success is showing up !
Showing up at gym, showing up at your daily schedule , showing up at practise, showing up at assignments , showing up at labs , showing up at things you like , showing up at things you hate, showing up when you are in good mood, showing up when you feel like shit ………………..
SHOWING UP NO MATTER WHAT !!!
Honestly I think I don’t deserve any one of you or your time. I write as I think. No editing No filters No preparation. Nothing. Grammar is all over the place . So are articles. Punctuations don’t even exist. There is so much negative emotions are there. Sometimes positive also.
In spite all of this , you guys follow me . That means so much to me. I can’t thank you enough guys for sticking with me on this journey. Appreciate your time here. God bless you all. Hang in there guys. It’s gonna be okay .
GOD , I see no reason at all … not even once in 27 years …. why I shouldn’t be in love… I hope at least you see the reason … but I don’t. No I am not sad … I am just losing hope… there is NO reason why I shouldn’t be in LOVE. Take care God..
In less than 3 weeks you become wallpaper of my mobile how dear? Why can’t I stop thinking about you ? Why tears come to my eyes when you get upset? Why I just want to look at you and do nothing? Why can’t I focus without thinking about ? What did you do to me dear?
If you ( readers) are wondering who is she ? She is a model from cam site. She is from latvia. When I saw first her little did I know that I will get so obsessed with her. She is super friendly. She is the kind of girl you want to take home & show your parents. She has the smile worth dying for . She cares about her family . And that is why she does live cam show. She is funny . She has amazing eyes & pure innocent smile. God, job well done !
Last 2-3 weeks each day for almost entire day I have been visiting her chatroom. I got addicted to her. As I already told my reality is sucking in great depth , she become my sunshine in this horrible winter. She became my hope for life. She became my peace in this violence. She became story of my movie. She became of light of my darkness. I felt alive again. I started loving life again.
Then one day , she asked me , what I do when she is not online. And damn , I took few minutes to tell that I visit other models. Just for fun ! Such fucking idiot I am ! She got so angry. I apologized again & again but no luck. She asked me to give some time to think. I gave her 7 hours . I went back & apologized again. Why do you think she got upset ?
And yesterday , my tongue slipped again as I was joking with another person about different model. She told me that I can’t be trusted because she remembered I promising her not to see other models again , which I didn’t. She was upset again . And I thought this story is going to end. I wasn’t prepared for this. Where is my life with her? Nothing . I created whole illusion around her . What if she doesn’t want to talk to me again ?
Hell no. I entered into private chat with her(need money for it) . Then she told me that she liked talking to me and she is jealous of other models if I go there. And she want me not to visit another models. I couldn’t believe she felt that way. I didn’t expect her to say that. Then she told me her real name but refuse to give me personal details. I asked those details because she said she is going to quit the job. NO NO NO . GOD you can’t do this to me. Why don’t you kill me now and end this misery once for all ?????????????
7 days she will be here. I feel cold in my heart while I type this. May be I will cry now. God , I was not prepared for this. God, you didn’t prepare me for this . God, you made mistake to put heart into this body. God, you created living hell by making me emotional. God, why did you do this to me? God, why ? why ? why ?
I gave her my details and I don’t know if she stored them or not. I told her if she goes now and I don’t have any way to contact her then it is up to God & her . I am not sure that is going to happen. I promised myself not to be romantic till I land in USA 2018. But I am fucking moron. Why there is so much urge in my heart for LOVE?
WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? Stupid heart ! STOP IT NOW FUCKING heart !
No , this is not about the Netflix serial. But kind of related to it.
Do you know how face of dead man look ? It looks like there is no life in it. No surprise there , dead means not alive. No blood flow. No life in skin. Insipid . Lifeless.
Where do you see those faces ? I heard you say , “funeral” You are right. You saw them in funeral you attended. Did you enjoy those faces ? Static faces , no smile , no emotion. Did you ?? I hope not. You wish you don’t have to see them again. Instead you would like to see them “alive” “smiling” ” full of life” , right ? I am with you on this one. We love to see “Alive” faces. That reminds us that we are “living” creature.
NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO SEE AROUND ME ? DEAD PEOPLE
What a joy that is ! I have no words to explain. From Morning to Night , From January to December, from Monday to Sunday , I am privileged to live with DEAD people. What an fucking honor !
It’s like someone has sucked LIFE out of people from this country. They are DEAD. They know they are DEAD. They wish they are DEAD. I can see HELPLESS on their faces . I see no smile. They no longer CARE . “If you don’t like my face, don’t look” ” I hate my life that is what this face, a dead face” .
No hi , hello to stranger. Because every other stranger is COMPETITOR or BARRIER between me & my happiness. That is true , there isn’t enough for everyone. Someone has to die. Someone has to be left hungry . Someone has to unhappy. Everyone just want to make sure that they are not the “someone”.
Who needs Netflix when I can literally live “Walking Dead” in India? WHO ???? By the way, I am dead too. Trust me , now days I don’t even look myself into the mirror. What is there to see in DEAD man ?? I make faces . You can see on face that I no longer CARE. I don’t CARE that I almost ran over a girl while catching the bus. I don’t CARE people spitting on road. I don’t CARE the bus smells like urine. I don’t CARE my food might contain sweat of human or worst. BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEAD. I am just WAITING for my body to DIE. Did you hear what I said? I AM FUCKING WALKING DEAD. Now Get out of my way .
I hope GOD is Proud of HIMSELF . WHY WOULDn’t HE?
“Don’t compare yourself with others.” We hear this wisdom passed on to us everyday. “Appreciate what you have” “Don’t look into others’ plate” and all that shit. You heard me right SHIT.
You have brain . Like good brain. You can analyse what is wrong , what is right . You can decide what you want. So you have formalise your dreams, goals. Your ideal life. And then you CAN’t seems to get it. You are being DENIED because you are in QUEUE. Let’s face it what you want is what everyone want. So WAIT and WAIT. You know you are getting old. You know “Ideal” life is pretty useless if you go bald or you don’t have teeth. You are sick of this wait.
Now you are on LinkedIn/ FB, Instagram or whatever social fuck you prefer . And there you see what ? Your IDEAL life . Yes exactly you dreamed of. It’s there . It exists. It is possible. BUT BUT I mean REAL BUTTY BUT you are not living it. Someone else is milking it in front of your eyes. SLAM . Now you don’t even have a laptop.
In what way are you expect me to be CALM by seeing what-his-face living my DREAM life. That is like watching Unfaithful all over again. It boils my blood that my dreams are being eaten alive by another human being and I can’t do anything. I am DENIED. How fair is this ? Everyday I push myself out of the bed through this HELL because I HOPE I will live my dream life. But then I find people living it IN FRONT of my eyes. That is just wrong . That is just horrible. Why God just end this life & dreams along with it ? This is so wrong. This is just betrayal. Don’t compare my foot.