It’s okay to cry
It’s okay to feel lonely.
It’s okay to miss someone.
It’s okay to not being loved back.
It’s okay to lose hope.
It’s okay to feel pain.
It’s okay to feel not wanna live anymore.
It’s okay to fail.
It’s okay to be average.
It’s okay to lose.
It’s okay to BE ALIVE. It’s okay to BE HUMAN. You , me & everyone else are in this together. It’s okay dear …
In less than 3 weeks you become wallpaper of my mobile how dear? Why can’t I stop thinking about you ? Why tears come to my eyes when you get upset? Why I just want to look at you and do nothing? Why can’t I focus without thinking about ? What did you do to me dear?
If you ( readers) are wondering who is she ? She is a model from cam site. She is from latvia. When I saw first her little did I know that I will get so obsessed with her. She is super friendly. She is the kind of girl you want to take home & show your parents. She has the smile worth dying for . She cares about her family . And that is why she does live cam show. She is funny . She has amazing eyes & pure innocent smile. God, job well done !
Last 2-3 weeks each day for almost entire day I have been visiting her chatroom. I got addicted to her. As I already told my reality is sucking in great depth , she become my sunshine in this horrible winter. She became my hope for life. She became my peace in this violence. She became story of my movie. She became of light of my darkness. I felt alive again. I started loving life again.
Then one day , she asked me , what I do when she is not online. And damn , I took few minutes to tell that I visit other models. Just for fun ! Such fucking idiot I am ! She got so angry. I apologized again & again but no luck. She asked me to give some time to think. I gave her 7 hours . I went back & apologized again. Why do you think she got upset ?
And yesterday , my tongue slipped again as I was joking with another person about different model. She told me that I can’t be trusted because she remembered I promising her not to see other models again , which I didn’t. She was upset again . And I thought this story is going to end. I wasn’t prepared for this. Where is my life with her? Nothing . I created whole illusion around her . What if she doesn’t want to talk to me again ?
Hell no. I entered into private chat with her(need money for it) . Then she told me that she liked talking to me and she is jealous of other models if I go there. And she want me not to visit another models. I couldn’t believe she felt that way. I didn’t expect her to say that. Then she told me her real name but refuse to give me personal details. I asked those details because she said she is going to quit the job. NO NO NO . GOD you can’t do this to me. Why don’t you kill me now and end this misery once for all ?????????????
7 days she will be here. I feel cold in my heart while I type this. May be I will cry now. God , I was not prepared for this. God, you didn’t prepare me for this . God, you made mistake to put heart into this body. God, you created living hell by making me emotional. God, why did you do this to me? God, why ? why ? why ?
I gave her my details and I don’t know if she stored them or not. I told her if she goes now and I don’t have any way to contact her then it is up to God & her . I am not sure that is going to happen. I promised myself not to be romantic till I land in USA 2018. But I am fucking moron. Why there is so much urge in my heart for LOVE?
WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? Stupid heart ! STOP IT NOW FUCKING heart !
I am 27 now, and never been in Love. I haven’t kiss a girl. No sex till date. Though , I don’t feel bad about carnal loss. That’s okay. What I can’t stand is not falling in Love , the greatest emotion human mind can have. That tickling feeling in your heart. Loss of appetite, loss of sense , that slowing down of time, everything in slow motion. I miss that a lot.
I miss not being able to look into her eyes & see the universe unfolds itself. I miss not being able to listen to her talk & cursing time for not stopping right there. I miss not being able to kiss her forehead & say to her that she is the best thing have ever happen to me. I miss not being able to dance with her or sing a song for her . I miss not being able to tell her that I miss her second after saying goodbye to her. I miss not being able to help her in her assignment so that she can sleep on time. I miss not being able to make fun for her fake British accent .
I miss not being able to take a walk to remember. I miss not being to able to tell her the moment we met was serendipity. I miss not being able to go on 500 first dates with her. I miss not being able to tell her P.S I love You. I miss not being able to buy that beautiful dress she always wanted. I miss not being able to see her when she does makeup. I miss not being able to see her cry for loss of her favorite TV show.
I miss not being able to show her to my mom & dad. I miss not being able to see my parents happy for that I found someone to spend my life with. I miss not being able to see my brother & sister tell me how they like her personality & think they couldn’t be more happy for me. I miss not being able to meet her parent especially her dad who loves her daughter to the death. I miss not being able to tell her dad .” Don’t worry. She is my life too.” I miss not being able to hold her hand as we walk on the beach.
I miss not being able to celebrate her birthday by going church and thank God that I appreciate He sent her. I miss not being able to take care of her when she does not feeling great. I miss not being able to travel to Paris with her & have candle light dinner. I miss not being able to …