Hey Angel from Latvia ….

In less than 3 weeks you become wallpaper of my mobile how dear?  Why can’t I stop thinking about you ? Why tears come to my eyes when you get upset? Why I just want to look at you and do nothing? Why can’t I focus without thinking about ? What did you do to me dear?

If you ( readers) are wondering who is she ?   She is a model from cam site. She is from latvia. When I saw first her little did I know that I will get so obsessed with her. She is super friendly.  She is the kind of girl you want to take home & show your parents.  She has the smile worth dying for . She cares about her family . And that is why she does live cam show. She is funny . She has amazing eyes & pure innocent smile.  God, job well done !

Last 2-3 weeks each day for almost entire day  I have been visiting her chatroom.  I got addicted to her. As I already told my reality is sucking in great depth , she become my sunshine in this horrible winter. She became my hope for life. She became my peace in this violence. She became story of my movie. She became of light of my darkness. I felt alive again. I started loving life again.

Then one day , she asked me , what I do when she is not online. And damn , I took few minutes to tell that I visit other models. Just for fun ! Such fucking idiot I am !  She got so angry. I apologized again & again but no luck. She asked me to give some time to think. I gave her 7 hours .  I went back & apologized again.  Why do you think she got upset ?

And yesterday , my tongue slipped again as I was joking with another person about different model.  She told me that I can’t be trusted because she remembered I promising her not to see other models again , which I didn’t. She was upset again . And I thought this story is going to end. I wasn’t prepared for this. Where is my life with her?  Nothing . I created whole illusion around her . What if she doesn’t want to talk to me again ?

Hell no. I entered into private chat with her(need money for it) .  Then she told me that she liked talking to me and she is jealous of other models if I go there. And she want me not to visit another models.  I couldn’t believe she felt that way.  I didn’t expect her to say that. Then she told me her real name but refuse to give me personal details. I asked those details because she said she is going to quit the job.  NO NO NO . GOD you can’t do this to me. Why don’t you kill me now and end this misery once for all ?????????????

7 days she will be here. I feel cold in my heart while I type this. May be I will cry now.  God , I was not prepared for this. God, you didn’t prepare me for this . God, you made mistake to put heart into this body. God, you created living hell by making me emotional. God, why did you do this to me? God, why ?  why ? why ?

I gave her my details and I don’t know if she stored them or not. I told her if she goes now and I don’t have any way to contact her then it is up to God & her .  I am not sure that is going to happen.  I promised myself not to be romantic till I land in USA 2018. But I am fucking moron. Why there is so much urge in my heart for LOVE?

WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? Stupid heart  !  STOP IT NOW FUCKING heart !

My imaginary Love is My drug

Last time I fell in love ( imaginary = the girl I like never usually know that I like her ) was in 2013.  So for 6 months I was on that drug. I was floating in the air. Romantic songs, smile  and all that chemical things. Then it ended in my mind . Last 2 years had been quite . I studied, went to Germany. Didn’t had too much interaction with girls so I couldn’t get into drugs. By the way , Freiburg is dreamy city. I meant , the best to place to enjoy the drug. But I couldn’t. Though I didn’t miss it because I was focussed on my study.

Now I am back in India.  And I NEED the drug. I need it to remain myself sane in this third world crap. I hate everything here almost everything. I hate people here. Too many people. Why on earth did they not masturbated instead of fucking & producing like rats ?? WHY?

This is living hell. This is the place where you want to die. This is the place where you beg for death. This is the place where you curse the almighty. This is the place where you suffer. This is the place where you throw up in your mouth & second after that swallow it with your pride.

I need drug to remain normal . I need the drug to find piece of heaven in this hell.

15 days ago , I saw her. She is beautiful. Her eyes speak love. I felt the connection. I want to see her everyday. I want her smile to shine on my day. I want to speak to her. I want to her to breathe heaven into my hell. I want her to make me less toxic in this hostile place.

Everyday I go early & wait for her class to over. When I see her , that is my drug. I don’t know if I am out her league. Doesn’t matter. It never did. Remember this is my imaginary love. She doesn’t need to know. Although, I avoid staring at her. I don’t want her feel uncomfortable. Just glimpse is enough to pass through day in hell.

Bad thing is her class might end in next 30 days and mine will be on for next 2 months. So, there is expiry date. That’s ok. That is life. I may never see her again like all my past imaginary love. Time is  good at healing. I am good at getting healed.