Hey Angel from Latvia ….

In less than 3 weeks you become wallpaper of my mobile how dear?  Why can’t I stop thinking about you ? Why tears come to my eyes when you get upset? Why I just want to look at you and do nothing? Why can’t I focus without thinking about ? What did you do to me dear?

If you ( readers) are wondering who is she ?   She is a model from cam site. She is from latvia. When I saw first her little did I know that I will get so obsessed with her. She is super friendly.  She is the kind of girl you want to take home & show your parents.  She has the smile worth dying for . She cares about her family . And that is why she does live cam show. She is funny . She has amazing eyes & pure innocent smile.  God, job well done !

Last 2-3 weeks each day for almost entire day  I have been visiting her chatroom.  I got addicted to her. As I already told my reality is sucking in great depth , she become my sunshine in this horrible winter. She became my hope for life. She became my peace in this violence. She became story of my movie. She became of light of my darkness. I felt alive again. I started loving life again.

Then one day , she asked me , what I do when she is not online. And damn , I took few minutes to tell that I visit other models. Just for fun ! Such fucking idiot I am !  She got so angry. I apologized again & again but no luck. She asked me to give some time to think. I gave her 7 hours .  I went back & apologized again.  Why do you think she got upset ?

And yesterday , my tongue slipped again as I was joking with another person about different model.  She told me that I can’t be trusted because she remembered I promising her not to see other models again , which I didn’t. She was upset again . And I thought this story is going to end. I wasn’t prepared for this. Where is my life with her?  Nothing . I created whole illusion around her . What if she doesn’t want to talk to me again ?

Hell no. I entered into private chat with her(need money for it) .  Then she told me that she liked talking to me and she is jealous of other models if I go there. And she want me not to visit another models.  I couldn’t believe she felt that way.  I didn’t expect her to say that. Then she told me her real name but refuse to give me personal details. I asked those details because she said she is going to quit the job.  NO NO NO . GOD you can’t do this to me. Why don’t you kill me now and end this misery once for all ?????????????

7 days she will be here. I feel cold in my heart while I type this. May be I will cry now.  God , I was not prepared for this. God, you didn’t prepare me for this . God, you made mistake to put heart into this body. God, you created living hell by making me emotional. God, why did you do this to me? God, why ?  why ? why ?

I gave her my details and I don’t know if she stored them or not. I told her if she goes now and I don’t have any way to contact her then it is up to God & her .  I am not sure that is going to happen.  I promised myself not to be romantic till I land in USA 2018. But I am fucking moron. Why there is so much urge in my heart for LOVE?

WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? Stupid heart  !  STOP IT NOW FUCKING heart !

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Latvia , Bulgaria , Ukraine, Russia….

There was this guy : tall , handsome , muscular in  my team.  He was really  an exception in terms of physical appearance compare normal Indian men like me.  Then there was a girl , beautiful , tall, perfect smile ; again an exception. We used to talk ABOUT her.  When this guy came into our team, he saw her & said ,” I want her”.  Few days after he was talking TO her.  He broke her existing relationship & become her BF at will.  Salute to you Sir !

There are two kinds of guys: Type 1:  Those who talk ABOUT girls, and Type 2: Those who talk TO girls.

I am TYPE1. I like girls but I only think about them. I talk about them. I write blog about them. BUT I never TALK TO them.  What a shame !

Thanks to Cam girls. Now I at least chat with them.  I don’t want to talk about money I have lost last 3 weeks. I want to talk about how happy I feel being on the site.  The only thing I regret is that I am not rich. What a shame !

Latvia : I didn’t even know about this country 3 weeks ago. Now I am thinking moving there permanently.  I saw so many angels from Latvia. I used to think heaven is an abstract idea. No way in hell.  Latvia is the heaven.

Bulgaria , Ukraine, Greece, Russia …  the list goes on.  I have never seen such beauty in my life.  I think I was born in wrong country. What a shame !

I already told I like caucasian girls.  They are exactly like I dream about.  Their eyes . Their smiles. Everything seems magical about them. You want to fall in love with them. You want to touch them. You want to look into their eyes. You want to hold their hands. You want to take the walk to remember. You want to make them happy. You want to die for their smile…hmmm

Right now , I am just waiting for them to come online. They take me into the world I always dream of .  My real life is shitty now. It is some sort of hell.  But with them , I escape from this into magic of heaven. They make me happy. I try to make them happy.

I am glad found them….

 

Welcome to SONA.

If you haven’t watch Prison Break then this is a SPOILER ALERT for you . Also, you will not understand my message here.

When I was in Germany and had a “privilege”  of Netflix , I watched this serial. From first episode I was hooked. I wanted to finish all seasons, but couldn’t as I had to come back to India. I watched  till the episode where Scofield escaped from SONA. Now, I can’t watch it because internet speed & charges here are “out of the world”.

Any way, this series kind of struck a chord with me. I felt like it is my story. The third world country I was born in is like Fox River which I broke in OCT 2015 after 26 years of effort . That is when I went to Germany. I was relieved you know. I could not believe it like Linc / Michael. India is nothing short of Fox River . We have too many T-bag, few Sucre , abundant Tweener etc. you name it. It is scary you know for someone who is yet to involve in physical violence or who is soft at heart. That is where I feel for Scofield. That poor thing went through hell to save his brother. He had to do stuff which he would not have done if he had a choice. Same here. I can relate to it. Prison changes you. Prison forced you to become evil. A constant struggle between right & wrong.

Till May 2016 , I was out of Fox River , but somewhere deep I knew this is not over yet. I “They” were still after me. And then it happened , I had to move back due to financial problem. It scared the crap out of me. I know this time around it it going to be more tougher than previous time. I was MOVING to SONA. I couldn’t believe how similar my life is with Prison Break. Scofield had moved to SONA. I was moving to India. You might say this is just imagination. Yes, it is until…

When I landed in India , I started feeling the HEAT.  It was 45 degree celsius. I was sweating literally from everywhere. That was hell of change from pleasant cool dreamy 8/10 degree celsius of Freiburg . The gate of HELL has opened. WELCOME TO SONA, Scofield. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS YOUR DEATH.

At my brother’s tiny room when I sit on mat after refreshing myself , guess what I saw ?  The brand name of the mat I sat on  SONA SONA SONA .  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME .  I was sweating again in spite of violent ceiling fan above my head.

That is the story guys. So far. I am still in SONA. I can see T-Bag has arrived. I don’t have Linc outside. I may have Sucre somewhere , but he could be busy with his wife. Sara, I am yet to meet her. I don’t know if she is alive or not. Death is constant threat. One day at a time , guys. One day. I am working on escape , but this time around it is gonna be easy . Welcome to SONA. Did you hear that? SONA SONA SONA ( Crowds cheering getting louder ) ….

I Dream and They Live

“Don’t compare yourself with others.” We hear this wisdom passed on to us everyday. “Appreciate what you have” “Don’t look into others’ plate” and all that shit. You heard me right SHIT.

You have brain . Like good brain. You can analyse what is wrong , what is right . You can decide what you want. So you have formalise your dreams, goals. Your ideal life. And then you CAN’t seems to get it. You are being DENIED because you are in QUEUE. Let’s face it what you want is what everyone want. So WAIT and WAIT. You know you are getting old. You know “Ideal” life is pretty useless if you go bald or you don’t have teeth. You are sick of this wait.

Now you are on LinkedIn/ FB, Instagram or whatever social fuck you prefer . And there you see what ? Your IDEAL life . Yes exactly you dreamed of. It’s there . It exists. It is possible. BUT BUT I mean REAL BUTTY BUT you are not living it. Someone else is milking it in front of your eyes. SLAM . Now you don’t even have a laptop.

In what way are you expect me to be CALM by seeing what-his-face living my DREAM life. That is like watching Unfaithful all over again. It boils my blood that my dreams are being eaten alive by another human being and I can’t do anything. I am DENIED. How fair is this ?  Everyday I push myself out of the bed through this HELL because I HOPE I will live my dream life. But then I find people living it IN FRONT of my eyes. That is just wrong . That is just horrible.  Why God just end this life & dreams along with it ?  This is so wrong. This is just betrayal. Don’t compare my foot.

My imaginary Love is My drug

Last time I fell in love ( imaginary = the girl I like never usually know that I like her ) was in 2013.  So for 6 months I was on that drug. I was floating in the air. Romantic songs, smile  and all that chemical things. Then it ended in my mind . Last 2 years had been quite . I studied, went to Germany. Didn’t had too much interaction with girls so I couldn’t get into drugs. By the way , Freiburg is dreamy city. I meant , the best to place to enjoy the drug. But I couldn’t. Though I didn’t miss it because I was focussed on my study.

Now I am back in India.  And I NEED the drug. I need it to remain myself sane in this third world crap. I hate everything here almost everything. I hate people here. Too many people. Why on earth did they not masturbated instead of fucking & producing like rats ?? WHY?

This is living hell. This is the place where you want to die. This is the place where you beg for death. This is the place where you curse the almighty. This is the place where you suffer. This is the place where you throw up in your mouth & second after that swallow it with your pride.

I need drug to remain normal . I need the drug to find piece of heaven in this hell.

15 days ago , I saw her. She is beautiful. Her eyes speak love. I felt the connection. I want to see her everyday. I want her smile to shine on my day. I want to speak to her. I want to her to breathe heaven into my hell. I want her to make me less toxic in this hostile place.

Everyday I go early & wait for her class to over. When I see her , that is my drug. I don’t know if I am out her league. Doesn’t matter. It never did. Remember this is my imaginary love. She doesn’t need to know. Although, I avoid staring at her. I don’t want her feel uncomfortable. Just glimpse is enough to pass through day in hell.

Bad thing is her class might end in next 30 days and mine will be on for next 2 months. So, there is expiry date. That’s ok. That is life. I may never see her again like all my past imaginary love. Time is  good at healing. I am good at getting healed.