Walking Dead in India

No , this is not about the Netflix serial.  But kind of related to it.

Do you know how face of dead man look ?  It looks like there is no life in it. No surprise there , dead means not alive. No blood flow. No life in skin. Insipid . Lifeless.

Where do you see those faces ? I heard you say , “funeral” You are right. You saw them in funeral you attended.  Did you enjoy those faces ? Static faces , no smile , no emotion. Did you ??  I hope not. You wish you don’t have to see them again. Instead you would like to see them “alive” “smiling” ” full of life” , right ?  I am with you on this one.  We love to see “Alive” faces. That reminds us that we are “living” creature.

NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO SEE AROUND ME ?    DEAD PEOPLE

What a joy that is !  I have no words to explain. From Morning to Night , From January to December, from Monday to Sunday , I am privileged to live with DEAD people.  What an fucking honor !

It’s like someone has sucked LIFE out of people from this country.  They are DEAD. They know they are DEAD. They wish they are DEAD. I can see HELPLESS on their faces . I see no smile. They no longer CARE . “If you don’t like my face, don’t look” ” I hate my life that is what this face, a dead face” .

No hi , hello to stranger. Because every other stranger is COMPETITOR or BARRIER between me & my happiness. That is true ,  there isn’t enough for everyone. Someone has to die. Someone has to  be left hungry . Someone has to unhappy. Everyone just want to make sure that they are not the “someone”.

Who needs  Netflix when I can literally live “Walking Dead” in India? WHO ????  By the way, I am dead too. Trust me , now days I don’t even look myself into the mirror. What is there to see in DEAD man ??  I make faces . You can see on face that I no longer CARE. I don’t CARE that I almost ran over a girl while catching the bus. I don’t CARE people spitting on road. I don’t CARE the bus smells like urine. I don’t CARE my food might contain sweat of human or worst. BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEAD. I am just WAITING for my body to DIE. Did you hear what I said? I AM FUCKING WALKING DEAD. Now Get out of my way .

I hope GOD is Proud of HIMSELF .  WHY WOULDn’t HE?

 

Advertisements

I Dream and They Live

“Don’t compare yourself with others.” We hear this wisdom passed on to us everyday. “Appreciate what you have” “Don’t look into others’ plate” and all that shit. You heard me right SHIT.

You have brain . Like good brain. You can analyse what is wrong , what is right . You can decide what you want. So you have formalise your dreams, goals. Your ideal life. And then you CAN’t seems to get it. You are being DENIED because you are in QUEUE. Let’s face it what you want is what everyone want. So WAIT and WAIT. You know you are getting old. You know “Ideal” life is pretty useless if you go bald or you don’t have teeth. You are sick of this wait.

Now you are on LinkedIn/ FB, Instagram or whatever social fuck you prefer . And there you see what ? Your IDEAL life . Yes exactly you dreamed of. It’s there . It exists. It is possible. BUT BUT I mean REAL BUTTY BUT you are not living it. Someone else is milking it in front of your eyes. SLAM . Now you don’t even have a laptop.

In what way are you expect me to be CALM by seeing what-his-face living my DREAM life. That is like watching Unfaithful all over again. It boils my blood that my dreams are being eaten alive by another human being and I can’t do anything. I am DENIED. How fair is this ?  Everyday I push myself out of the bed through this HELL because I HOPE I will live my dream life. But then I find people living it IN FRONT of my eyes. That is just wrong . That is just horrible.  Why God just end this life & dreams along with it ?  This is so wrong. This is just betrayal. Don’t compare my foot.

Experience, nothing like it.

I adore New York ; never been there ,but still like no one else. Given a choice I would shift to the city in a flash. But I can’t. I am a man of circumstances. They dictate my future. I was born in a country where there is long queue ( read 3-4 years) for immigration. Everyone wants to get the hell out of here as soon as first opportunity arrises. Who can blame Man ?  Man always had desire to do better for himself. That’s ok.

On Saturday & Sunday , I am usually free to do what I want. But I never do anything except eating & staring at my laptop. I live in a city which I hate last 6 years. Population is humongous. So , introvert like me is even afraid to step out of door .

I love sunset. But never went to see. I love dancing in rains. But never did. I love parks. But we don’t have one. I love trains . But they are smelly & crowded. I love walking. But there is no quiet place.  I love going to libraries . But we don’t have one.  I love falling in love. But I am afraid of  honour killing here .

Basically, I have been spending last 6 years’ of my weekend hiding in my room & waiting to somehow land in USA to enjoy my freedom.

Meantime I try to IMAGINE what it is like to live in New York while staring at ceiling. I try to IMAGINE what it is like to roam in the Central Park. I try to IMAGINE what it is like looking from the top of the Empire State building. I try hard to IMAGINE what it is like to immerse oneself in a crowd of Times Square. I try to IMAGINE enjoying broadway show with like minded people.  I try to IMAGINE what it is like to have philosophical conversation with your best friend while gazing at the Statue of Liberty. I try to IMAGINE what freedom tastes like.

But Guess what ? I CAN’T I CAN’T

It KILLS me that my brain isn’t capable of doing those things. I can’t imagine any of those how hard I try , how long I try.

I can’t CREATE experience via Imagination. I can’t.

That is feeling of Man who is helpless in front of circumstances. The Man who is waiting to live his life. The Man who already lost 1/3 of his life WAITING. The Man who sees no immediate sign of LIFE coming to his life. The Man who is just imagine things. The Man who has not yet EXPERIENCE the life he wants. The Man is counting on his good luck. The Man who prays almighty to help him to get his TRUE life back. The Man who is just creature of its circumstance and nothing else..

America, I wish I didn’t know you.

( No edit  Just writing )

I was 6 0r 7 years old when I heard a word “America”. It felt good to hear. It got register in my heart permanently. It used to make appearance here & there in newspapers , TV. I was a kid from lower middle class family living in a small village of India’s west coast. I wish I didn’t hear the word “America”. Little did I know then that my youth is going affected like never before when I would get addicted to idea of being in America.

I am 27 now , soon 28. I should have got married by now. I should have settled like my friends did. Married, Wife, Happy Parents, Peace with life. No, that is not the case. There is no peace in my life. I had just returned from Germany where my master study abrupted by lack of finance. I lost two years worth of my life. And lot money I ashamed to admit. I have put my parents into a lot of pain . My siblings have suffered. But look at me , I am still adamant on idea of “being in America”. I wish I could delete America from memory. I can’t be at peace with my life till my feet the land of opportunity.

I wish I was born there. I wish I was there already eliminating rat race which I have to go through to get there. I am loosing my life. My time . My money. My health.  So I am not really sure when I get there I will be able to enjoy. If I reach there by 30 & married. How on earth I am going to enjoy my life at NYC? Forget enjoyment can I afford it?  Someone will say move to another city , what is the point of going through all this and just to let go my goal , bucket list. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when sun is going to shine. I don’t know when the  night is going to end. I don’t know if I will there when this done. I don’t know….