Self-Esteem is missing !!!

Who am I ? What’s my self worth ? Am I just sum of physical characteristics ?  Am I just my skin color which people hate ? Am I just an identity of nation where I was born and people hate it too ?  Or Am I just an ugly face & average body ?

I don’t know … watching again again people ridicule my identity … I have lost self confidence.. I have lost self respect … I have no Self esteem . Which is odd because I am highly motivated person .. Self motivated.. may be I am not.  How shallow is my motivation when “opinions” are destroying my life.  Made me hate myself, my body , my skin color, my country..  I don’t know what is happening… seems like some kind of self destruction mode …. I don’t know what to do…

Indian Guy & omegle ?

It’s been awhile I have written something here. I usually don’t write unless I want to. So, I have been spending some time on omegle site – talk to strangers.  Honestly I should not be. It is total waste but when you are down you do the shit you usually don’t do . This applies to love as well.

As you know I am an Indian guy. I swear I did not rape anyone.  I haven’t even touched a girl. Forget sex not even kiss. I haven’t sent a girl my penis picture or have asked about her naked photos. I never insulted women online or offline. I have not harassed them  either. No unnecessary personal messages on facebook or no stalking online or offline. I am not saying I am the best character. All I am saying is I am a just decent guy.

I heard you ask,” Why on Earth are you telling us this?” Well. So this site Omegle allows you to talk to stranger. I usually use Text mode . I will explain why later on. It has nothing to do with my ability to speak . Okay, my understanding of this site it is mostly dominated by Generation Z ( teens 10-18) . I am Generation Y. So , not many of my type. Let me honest with you of course I don’t go there to talk to men. I go there to have decent conversation with women.

Here is the problem. I usually don’t lie about myself. Also I don’t start my conversation with ASL ( don’t ask me what this is..something age sex & ) . I just start the conversation based on shared interest. But then if I happened to chat with a girl which is hard , there comes questions like ,”what’s your name?” “Where are you from?”. Initially I didn’t know what to expect once I answered those question. But now I do. “YUCK” “Pigs” and then end of chat. Even today when I type “India” as my country , almost every time girls end the chat.  I understand why they do it. My countrymen have created really “great” reputation across the world. Especially among women. So I am automatically become rapist or pervert. Isn’t that cool ??

Any way I am not saying what they do is right or wrong. Fair or not fair. All I am saying that is the reality in life you get smashed for crime others to do because you share same ethnicity or skin colour.  That is the reason why I don’t use Video mode. My face is “Yuck”. Forget other girls across the globe , even Indian girls SKIP it. Again isn’t that cool?  I think it is cool.

Okay then stay away from Indian guys. Be Safe. Call 911 if you see an Indian guy approach you.

Unfollow Me

Since landing here in the month of June , I have been becoming more & more evil each passing day. The amount negativity the environment infuses in me & in turns in this blog is unreal.

Considering my major audience is from USA where life is considerably good. I want you to unfollow me Now. I am the evil you want to avoid. It is disease & it is contagious. If I were you , I would not have come within 100 miles radius of this blog. Self destruction is in progress.

You can block me incase you think you would stumble on my blog by mistake. Don’t take chance. You don’t have to see slumdog spitting poison. It is not great sight and not great use of your time. Also, if you see me commenting on your blog then report me as a spam. Or just block me. That would be great.  Get rid of this negativity once for all.

This is my battle. I don’t want another person to be affected by this shit.  That is it. I hope not to see again. Just because I care for you . Remember that Be Positive Get Set GO !

Welcome to SONA.

If you haven’t watch Prison Break then this is a SPOILER ALERT for you . Also, you will not understand my message here.

When I was in Germany and had a “privilege”  of Netflix , I watched this serial. From first episode I was hooked. I wanted to finish all seasons, but couldn’t as I had to come back to India. I watched  till the episode where Scofield escaped from SONA. Now, I can’t watch it because internet speed & charges here are “out of the world”.

Any way, this series kind of struck a chord with me. I felt like it is my story. The third world country I was born in is like Fox River which I broke in OCT 2015 after 26 years of effort . That is when I went to Germany. I was relieved you know. I could not believe it like Linc / Michael. India is nothing short of Fox River . We have too many T-bag, few Sucre , abundant Tweener etc. you name it. It is scary you know for someone who is yet to involve in physical violence or who is soft at heart. That is where I feel for Scofield. That poor thing went through hell to save his brother. He had to do stuff which he would not have done if he had a choice. Same here. I can relate to it. Prison changes you. Prison forced you to become evil. A constant struggle between right & wrong.

Till May 2016 , I was out of Fox River , but somewhere deep I knew this is not over yet. I “They” were still after me. And then it happened , I had to move back due to financial problem. It scared the crap out of me. I know this time around it it going to be more tougher than previous time. I was MOVING to SONA. I couldn’t believe how similar my life is with Prison Break. Scofield had moved to SONA. I was moving to India. You might say this is just imagination. Yes, it is until…

When I landed in India , I started feeling the HEAT.  It was 45 degree celsius. I was sweating literally from everywhere. That was hell of change from pleasant cool dreamy 8/10 degree celsius of Freiburg . The gate of HELL has opened. WELCOME TO SONA, Scofield. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS YOUR DEATH.

At my brother’s tiny room when I sit on mat after refreshing myself , guess what I saw ?  The brand name of the mat I sat on  SONA SONA SONA .  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME .  I was sweating again in spite of violent ceiling fan above my head.

That is the story guys. So far. I am still in SONA. I can see T-Bag has arrived. I don’t have Linc outside. I may have Sucre somewhere , but he could be busy with his wife. Sara, I am yet to meet her. I don’t know if she is alive or not. Death is constant threat. One day at a time , guys. One day. I am working on escape , but this time around it is gonna be easy . Welcome to SONA. Did you hear that? SONA SONA SONA ( Crowds cheering getting louder ) ….

Walking Dead in India

No , this is not about the Netflix serial.  But kind of related to it.

Do you know how face of dead man look ?  It looks like there is no life in it. No surprise there , dead means not alive. No blood flow. No life in skin. Insipid . Lifeless.

Where do you see those faces ? I heard you say , “funeral” You are right. You saw them in funeral you attended.  Did you enjoy those faces ? Static faces , no smile , no emotion. Did you ??  I hope not. You wish you don’t have to see them again. Instead you would like to see them “alive” “smiling” ” full of life” , right ?  I am with you on this one.  We love to see “Alive” faces. That reminds us that we are “living” creature.

NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO SEE AROUND ME ?    DEAD PEOPLE

What a joy that is !  I have no words to explain. From Morning to Night , From January to December, from Monday to Sunday , I am privileged to live with DEAD people.  What an fucking honor !

It’s like someone has sucked LIFE out of people from this country.  They are DEAD. They know they are DEAD. They wish they are DEAD. I can see HELPLESS on their faces . I see no smile. They no longer CARE . “If you don’t like my face, don’t look” ” I hate my life that is what this face, a dead face” .

No hi , hello to stranger. Because every other stranger is COMPETITOR or BARRIER between me & my happiness. That is true ,  there isn’t enough for everyone. Someone has to die. Someone has to  be left hungry . Someone has to unhappy. Everyone just want to make sure that they are not the “someone”.

Who needs  Netflix when I can literally live “Walking Dead” in India? WHO ????  By the way, I am dead too. Trust me , now days I don’t even look myself into the mirror. What is there to see in DEAD man ??  I make faces . You can see on face that I no longer CARE. I don’t CARE that I almost ran over a girl while catching the bus. I don’t CARE people spitting on road. I don’t CARE the bus smells like urine. I don’t CARE my food might contain sweat of human or worst. BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEAD. I am just WAITING for my body to DIE. Did you hear what I said? I AM FUCKING WALKING DEAD. Now Get out of my way .

I hope GOD is Proud of HIMSELF .  WHY WOULDn’t HE?

 

Dangers of Dating in India ?

( Man’s perspective)

  • Honor Killing :  If she is from other caste/religion then the game is over before it starts.
  • No Dates:  In India , there is no such a thing like dating . Because let’s face it , everyone man is rapist unless proven otherwise. So, keep distance.
  • Sex:  This is epic. Somehow Indian girls think once you have sex with them , you have to marry her. And by the way they don’t believe Sex benefits both. It is “well known” fact that only MEN benefits from the sex. So any sex once refuse to marry automatically becomes RAPE.
  • Expensive:  CCD, Mall, Multiplex, and freaking poor transport, it is damn expensive to be in a relationship nowadays
  • Privacy:   You can’t kiss her in public. By the way , in India Kiss means kind of sex. You can’t hold her hand because of “people” will see it. You can’t hug her. Because that is just creepy.
  • Moral Policing: On valentine day , some political goons might force you to marry the girl if found showing your love in public. Everyone in India loves KILLING love.

This and more pretty much why I never been relationship and that is why still virgin. I don’t want risk my life . I will wait until I get my ass out of this country.  Till then peace out

 

Marriage & Children Vs Individual Happiness

Out of 4 friends I have , three are already married. One is enjoying himself in London as he discovered what a full bottle (quality) of wine can do to your nervous system. We all are 27-29 age group. I am happy for them.

As far as I am concerned , I am almost 28 , and still don’t see marriage happening in near future( 2 years). My parents don’t like this.  This is India. Indian culture. Marriage is sacred cow. After 25, everyone in the village starts asking “When are you getting married?” . I am like ,” Who are you Sir ?”  That is the way it is. I was born here so culture is culture same like Brexit means Brexit.

As you might already know my style of writing, I don’t give fuck to other people except my family.  I am still not excited about getting married. Rather I am terrified of it. I see with my very eyes this nation crumbling under stress of population. I see 4-5 members families living in one room. No privacy at all.

I can’t picture my daughter living in this hell. I can’t tolerate love of my life suffering in this hell. No way I am getting married in this country. I am physically incapable of loving anyone even me in this toxic environment. Even if I get married here , I am sure my wife will leave me in two months. I am pretty sure of that.

Being single is not that bad. I have small hall, kitchen for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can sleep whenever I want. I study at any time. I don’t have to take responsibility of one more person. I don’t have to  take another person for movie , garden ( In India we actually don’t have any privacy spot.SICK) .  I don’t have to change diaper of crying baby. I don’t have to SAVE money for my daughter education & cut down expenses on my study. (In India)

It is sick to see people starting family when they can’t even afford to fund one person’s decent life. It’s like let’s ruin four more lives with me. And that FYI is INDIAN culture.

However deep down  I do want to settle , get married & have four kids. Wonderful family just like Mr.Trump. I wish I was not born here and forced to choose between my individual happiness & marriage-children . That is sad life.  It fascinates me what life forces me to do. Sadly ,I am creature of my circumstances , not good position for a man who loves liberty.