I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday. I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.
As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl. I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.
How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card. I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck. Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support. But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.
I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret. If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.
Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left. I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere just stuck by sheer complexity of life . I got overwhelmed by environment. I got beaten down by this shitty country . Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up? I have no answer to this quandary.
I am not a kind of person who likes surprises , mostly bad ones. I like to plan things ahead. I try to remove uncertainty as much as possible. I know when I am prepare for something then I seldom fail at. I am good at studying however my social skills & social connection virtually non-existent.
I don’t have 3 AM friend. I never had one. I will never have one. Because who I am. And I am ok with it. I know if I die in my room then only way people are going to find about it is when it starts degradating. No one visits my room. I want no one to visit my room, but me. That’s my sacred place. That’s where I rest . That’s where I feel safe. That’s where I flourish. That’s where maintenance happens. I am completely ok with it.
The apartment I live in right now , I have to vacate it in one month. Freiburg , it is difficult to find single apartment compare to shared apartment. That’s what I hear. Last 3 years I have been living in single apartment (In India & now here). Partly because of medical condition & mostly because I LOVE it that way.
Did you see uncertainty here ? I may get an apartment or not. Because chances seem to be low. And that freaks me out. 3 Semester papers can’t even dare to cause nervousness in my mind. But this small thing of finding apartment makes me feel like helpless , not in control of my situation. This is the exactly feeling you get when someone is pointing a gun at your head & you know you are going to die. Death is not scary but the fact is you are helpless is.
This is just one example. You can imagine how many things make me overwhelmed daily basis, just because I am sensitive , emotional , introvert. Sometimes I think , I don’t belong here. I miss my planet, my people, people like me.
You know what is really heartbreaking that I always have been forced to choose between my struggle & money. And we never had enough money. “Live with four people & save some money ” ” You have to adjust and that thing even real ” ” What is there to be afraid of ?” ” You are not normal ” ” Act like normal world”
I have one request GOD: Can you end this for me please ? I am begging you to end this . This constant struggle to fit in. I am tired of all of this. Please.
Otherwise I will die alone. Then, I will turn into a ghost and will destroy every book on this blue planet along with coffee/tea and chair & sofa. You know what I mean. You also need to make a move too.Because I can’t come inside your room to meet you, can I ? Your sacred palace guarded by Z+ security. Well, I CAN break it for YOU. But let’s try civilized way first. Ok then, see you on other side. Yes , I could tell.