Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

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Zero Expectation

I don’t remember the last time I wrote a blog here. It has been long time. I have been spending more time on camsites chasing happiness , working on my job and gym. I couldn’t spend any time here. I wasn’t motivated enough. One thing you should know about me is I don’t do anything unless I want to or I am forced.  So I am sorry to my followers that I showed my back to you.  Forgive me.

Coming back to the title of this blog. Once you have expectation and it doesn’t become true then you get hurt. That is how it is. It applies to everything in life. You expect sunny day but it fucking rains. Damn …your mood is gone . You expect promotion but manager thinks otherwise. There you go down. You get my point. This is not my innovation. In Bhagwat Gita , Lord Krishna says you become happy or sad when you have expectation. Once you remove it, you are free. They can’t touch you.

As you know I have been trying to move out India since 2013. It is not happening. I expected to happen sooner but it didn’t. Now I don’t care at all. Same with love life.  I am 28, still to get into relationship. It didn’t happen . Now I don’t care. Same with life. Many things are not working the way I want . Now I don’t care. It is what it is. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Happens or not.  I have no expectation from life or any one.

Reminds me of powerful quote :

No One Owes You Anything. No One.

That’s it . That is the message . That is the theme I am working on. Thanks for reading this. Comment if you want to say thing. Have nice day ahead.

 

Welcome to SONA.

If you haven’t watch Prison Break then this is a SPOILER ALERT for you . Also, you will not understand my message here.

When I was in Germany and had a “privilege”  of Netflix , I watched this serial. From first episode I was hooked. I wanted to finish all seasons, but couldn’t as I had to come back to India. I watched  till the episode where Scofield escaped from SONA. Now, I can’t watch it because internet speed & charges here are “out of the world”.

Any way, this series kind of struck a chord with me. I felt like it is my story. The third world country I was born in is like Fox River which I broke in OCT 2015 after 26 years of effort . That is when I went to Germany. I was relieved you know. I could not believe it like Linc / Michael. India is nothing short of Fox River . We have too many T-bag, few Sucre , abundant Tweener etc. you name it. It is scary you know for someone who is yet to involve in physical violence or who is soft at heart. That is where I feel for Scofield. That poor thing went through hell to save his brother. He had to do stuff which he would not have done if he had a choice. Same here. I can relate to it. Prison changes you. Prison forced you to become evil. A constant struggle between right & wrong.

Till May 2016 , I was out of Fox River , but somewhere deep I knew this is not over yet. I “They” were still after me. And then it happened , I had to move back due to financial problem. It scared the crap out of me. I know this time around it it going to be more tougher than previous time. I was MOVING to SONA. I couldn’t believe how similar my life is with Prison Break. Scofield had moved to SONA. I was moving to India. You might say this is just imagination. Yes, it is until…

When I landed in India , I started feeling the HEAT.  It was 45 degree celsius. I was sweating literally from everywhere. That was hell of change from pleasant cool dreamy 8/10 degree celsius of Freiburg . The gate of HELL has opened. WELCOME TO SONA, Scofield. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS YOUR DEATH.

At my brother’s tiny room when I sit on mat after refreshing myself , guess what I saw ?  The brand name of the mat I sat on  SONA SONA SONA .  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME .  I was sweating again in spite of violent ceiling fan above my head.

That is the story guys. So far. I am still in SONA. I can see T-Bag has arrived. I don’t have Linc outside. I may have Sucre somewhere , but he could be busy with his wife. Sara, I am yet to meet her. I don’t know if she is alive or not. Death is constant threat. One day at a time , guys. One day. I am working on escape , but this time around it is gonna be easy . Welcome to SONA. Did you hear that? SONA SONA SONA ( Crowds cheering getting louder ) ….

Experience, nothing like it.

I adore New York ; never been there ,but still like no one else. Given a choice I would shift to the city in a flash. But I can’t. I am a man of circumstances. They dictate my future. I was born in a country where there is long queue ( read 3-4 years) for immigration. Everyone wants to get the hell out of here as soon as first opportunity arrises. Who can blame Man ?  Man always had desire to do better for himself. That’s ok.

On Saturday & Sunday , I am usually free to do what I want. But I never do anything except eating & staring at my laptop. I live in a city which I hate last 6 years. Population is humongous. So , introvert like me is even afraid to step out of door .

I love sunset. But never went to see. I love dancing in rains. But never did. I love parks. But we don’t have one. I love trains . But they are smelly & crowded. I love walking. But there is no quiet place.  I love going to libraries . But we don’t have one.  I love falling in love. But I am afraid of  honour killing here .

Basically, I have been spending last 6 years’ of my weekend hiding in my room & waiting to somehow land in USA to enjoy my freedom.

Meantime I try to IMAGINE what it is like to live in New York while staring at ceiling. I try to IMAGINE what it is like to roam in the Central Park. I try to IMAGINE what it is like looking from the top of the Empire State building. I try hard to IMAGINE what it is like to immerse oneself in a crowd of Times Square. I try to IMAGINE enjoying broadway show with like minded people.  I try to IMAGINE what it is like to have philosophical conversation with your best friend while gazing at the Statue of Liberty. I try to IMAGINE what freedom tastes like.

But Guess what ? I CAN’T I CAN’T

It KILLS me that my brain isn’t capable of doing those things. I can’t imagine any of those how hard I try , how long I try.

I can’t CREATE experience via Imagination. I can’t.

That is feeling of Man who is helpless in front of circumstances. The Man who is waiting to live his life. The Man who already lost 1/3 of his life WAITING. The Man who sees no immediate sign of LIFE coming to his life. The Man who is just imagine things. The Man who has not yet EXPERIENCE the life he wants. The Man is counting on his good luck. The Man who prays almighty to help him to get his TRUE life back. The Man who is just creature of its circumstance and nothing else..

Internet & Laptop => My lifelong partners

Many people won’t believe me here in India as well as our western countries that I completed my engineering (Bachelor Degree) without laptop. Even I don’t. Somehow I won the gold medal from Electronics & Telecommunication department.  Without laptop, which is hard to believe because nowadays even kindergarten kids are using it.  The reason I had no laptop was our middle class background. I was on education loan. It covered tuition fee & hostel expenses. Laptop was luxury item. Only rich people could afford them. This was in 2006.

No laptop means no internet. If memory serves me right, my only presence on Internet was in the form of Orkut & Gmail. I used to think Facebook was white people thing. I was dead wrong. That means I was unaware of vast knowledge which resides in  Internet. I was a fish in fishtank.  I was naive young guy who had no idea about capabilities of Internet. However, I don’t myself because that is perk of being born in third world nation. You are always late as compared developed nation.

2010 I completed my graduation. Then after working 2 years in Software Industry, I decided to buy TV before Laptop. Can you believe it ? TV before Laptop ? Why ? I am glad you asked TV price= 8k and Laptop price = 30K . Oh yeah, money is honey.  After using it for 1 year, I realised TV is waste of time. I need Laptop, not want but need. So , in 2013 I dared to buy a cheap Laptop & Data Connection. The best investment I ever made or only investment I ever made.

This post is coming to you courtesy the same laptop & same internet connection. They instantly became part of me. I found myself immersed on Internet. Finally the fish had arrived in sea. My internet presence grew exponentially. My mind started expanding. My mind was no longer third world entity , it had transcended into Universal Force. It saw no limit.My body did but it didn’t. It was liberating experience. I soon realised how small I was, how little I knew and how much I can learn.

Fast forward today, I spent more money on Internet than my food , again perks of living in third world nation. Did I tell you how much I love being in this country ?? Did I ? I dare you ask me . Any way , Laptop + Internet are my partners in success story that is being written. Without them I am just a fish ready to die. With them , I am shark inching to rule the world. Eager to leave my long lasting legacy on this planet. With them, life has a meaning. Without them , I am just decaying flesh. I am really grateful to all those people who invented Laptop & Internet. They have no idea what it means to people like me.

Let me just modify Leonardo DiCaprio words. “Let’s not take this moment granted. Let’s not take opportunities for granted. Let’s not take all the privileges like Laptop , Internet etc. for granted. Look around , appreciate what you inherited by just being born in right family at right time. See what you got by default without even asking , without even fighting for it. This applies to me as well. Let’s not take this life granted”

Are we capable to judge others ?

No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.”

― Viktor E. Frankl

Right now I am reading “Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl” . Not finished yet. I am also “LOUD” reading “The Mastery Manual by Robin Sharma”, one of my life’s top influencer.  So, I came across this line, and couldn’t help to highlight it immediately. It wasn’t enlightenment moment for me  as I am already familiar with Stanford Prison experiment. I know Man is creature of his circumstance almost 80% of the time ( 10% genetic code and 10% learning) . Those numbers are approximate .

That line tells us we pretty much do not have any right to start judging people around. And we shouldn’t , not even Supreme Court judges. You might say they refer to the law but let me point out to you the law was made by Men. Men of particular personality & born in particular situation.

There was this case of cannibalism where three people had to eat fourth person actually teenage guy, because  they were stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food & no help for three months or so. Also , the boy was dieing due to drinking salty water. When they returned home  after miraculous rescue , they were charged with murder. Now, you and me sitting in our comfy chair in front of TV can loudly say , ” That is disgusting. I would have chosen to die if I were in their place” DID YOU ? ARE YOU SURE?

That leaves me with the conclusion that I have to stop & think and ask myself “Would have done same thing if I were him/her?” “Can I judge a man by my values & ignoring his ?” I don’t think so. We totally miss this in our everyday life and start judging people like we are Saint . We are not. We will do bloody same thing more or less if faced with similar circumstances.