I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday. I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.
As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl. I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.
How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card. I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck. Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support. But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.
I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret. If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.
Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left. I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere just stuck by sheer complexity of life . I got overwhelmed by environment. I got beaten down by this shitty country . Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up? I have no answer to this quandary.
Ever since I found out about masturbation, I think four years ago, I have been hooked up on it. Before that I was very much curious also in this very fundamental aspect of being human. There is nothing like SEX. Nothing. I enjoy every orgasm. The climax is always pleasurable. FYI I have very high sex drive
As I never been in relationship or had courage to for prostitute , I am not aware real sex part. And that is the problem. You simply run out of fantasy. And trust me , when your internet fukcs up the right before the climax you want to kill yourself in this country. You just have to start all over again . Pure wastage of time. This country is sucks !
Any way , I was aware of cam girls concept but never tried it before. I was worried about what others think. Now I don’t give FUCK to any one. If I want something in life or sex, I am going to do it. I don’t care about morality. Morality is for utopian world. Definitely doesn’t apply to third world crap that is me.
But it is kind of expensive, which is again slap for being poor. Think about being poor, being in a country where internet sucks & government bans porn site and being virgin. Next time you said your life in west is fucked up. Think about my situation. Not for gulite but for reference.
I like caucasian girls. Go ahead sue me. I don’t give a shit. I never watch porn other than caucasian girl in it. That is my taste. And I don’t care what people think. “You are brown , you only watch” DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. If you don’t like non-white man watching white-girl-porn then DO IT IN YOUR HOME. Okay ? Hypocrates !
Anyway , I asked two girls to strip naked for me . I requested actually. THEY DID IT . I don’t care if it was money or not. This is a big deal for me. No girl has strip naked for me. Both climaxes were excellent. Who knew this could happen to me? That is how my fantasy become reality. They are super friendly. Again our reputation is bad.
I like cam girls. Much better than real girls. Real girls HAVE TONS OF DEMANDS . Hello, I am not Brad Pitt. I were him I would not have cared either. I mean the expectations by the girls are so fucking insane. “You are brown. You are ugly. Your penis size is 4 inch. You don’t have height. Your accent is not british. ” WHO CARES ???? Fuck your demands . Fuck your mentality !!!
We don’t know if there is actually a thing like “time” exists. We defined it for our convenience. We always do that we assume things to make sense out of any situation.We don’t like chaos. We always look for patterns. We always look for hidden things. So, we don’t know if there is “past” or “future”. May be we are trapped in “present”.
Close your eyes. You don’t see anything. You don’t see pattern. You don’t see shape. You don’t see colors. If we shut down all our senses i.e. our ability of being aware then this world doesn’t exist any more. Everything you see , hear , experience , feel is manifestation of your consciousness. It is the one interpretation of what is there. We know it is imperfect. Check out optical illusion on web to understand what our eyes can do. The consciousness has a big role in the way we see “what it is”.
Laptop, Glass , House, Planets , Galaxies everything is a perception and may not the apt description of reality. There is very high chance that “the reality” is complete chaos.Imagine infinite see of atoms(or smallest particles) floating across the universe or whatever it is. Without consciousness, all will look very similar to sand near sea.
Consciousness shows us pattern in it. It creates this magical world which follows some kind of laws unlike chaos. It makes our life easy. What is life? We are collection of atoms plus some consciousness or mind. I don’t know may or may not be.
May be there is no life. May be there is no universe. May be only things we have is dots, infinite dots. And we(mind) poor things are trying to create meaningful by connecting them. It’s an illusion.
Who is behind all of this? Are we being watched? Or “they” just see sand and nothing else? What part this exactly matters ? What part should I really care about ? Is this supposed to be funny ? Am I suppose to have evil laugh? Am I suppose to know this? Am suppose to have beg for answer? Am I suppose to search for the answer? Is there any answer?
I don’t know. I really don’t know. And that kills me everyday …..