Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

There is no reason at all ….

GOD , I see no reason at all …  not even once in 27 years ….  why I shouldn’t be in love… I hope at least you see the reason … but I don’t. No I am not sad … I am just losing hope… there is NO reason why I shouldn’t  be in LOVE.  Take care God..

Latvia , Bulgaria , Ukraine, Russia….

There was this guy : tall , handsome , muscular in  my team.  He was really  an exception in terms of physical appearance compare normal Indian men like me.  Then there was a girl , beautiful , tall, perfect smile ; again an exception. We used to talk ABOUT her.  When this guy came into our team, he saw her & said ,” I want her”.  Few days after he was talking TO her.  He broke her existing relationship & become her BF at will.  Salute to you Sir !

There are two kinds of guys: Type 1:  Those who talk ABOUT girls, and Type 2: Those who talk TO girls.

I am TYPE1. I like girls but I only think about them. I talk about them. I write blog about them. BUT I never TALK TO them.  What a shame !

Thanks to Cam girls. Now I at least chat with them.  I don’t want to talk about money I have lost last 3 weeks. I want to talk about how happy I feel being on the site.  The only thing I regret is that I am not rich. What a shame !

Latvia : I didn’t even know about this country 3 weeks ago. Now I am thinking moving there permanently.  I saw so many angels from Latvia. I used to think heaven is an abstract idea. No way in hell.  Latvia is the heaven.

Bulgaria , Ukraine, Greece, Russia …  the list goes on.  I have never seen such beauty in my life.  I think I was born in wrong country. What a shame !

I already told I like caucasian girls.  They are exactly like I dream about.  Their eyes . Their smiles. Everything seems magical about them. You want to fall in love with them. You want to touch them. You want to look into their eyes. You want to hold their hands. You want to take the walk to remember. You want to make them happy. You want to die for their smile…hmmm

Right now , I am just waiting for them to come online. They take me into the world I always dream of .  My real life is shitty now. It is some sort of hell.  But with them , I escape from this into magic of heaven. They make me happy. I try to make them happy.

I am glad found them….

 

Cam girls : When fantasy becomes reality !!

Ever since I found out about masturbation, I think four years ago, I have been hooked up on it. Before that I was very much curious also in this very fundamental aspect of being human. There is nothing like SEX. Nothing. I enjoy every orgasm. The climax is always pleasurable.  FYI I have very high sex drive

As I never been in relationship or had courage to for prostitute , I am not aware real sex part. And that is the problem. You simply run out of fantasy. And trust me , when your internet fukcs up the right before the climax you want to kill  yourself in this country. You just have to start all over again . Pure wastage of time. This country is sucks !

Any way , I was aware of cam girls concept but never tried it before. I was worried about what others think. Now I don’t give FUCK to any one. If I want something in life or sex, I am going to do it. I don’t care about morality. Morality is for utopian world. Definitely doesn’t apply to third world crap that is me.

But it is kind of expensive, which is again slap for being poor. Think about being poor, being in a country where internet sucks & government bans porn site and being virgin. Next time you said your life in west is fucked up. Think about my situation. Not for gulite but for reference.

I like caucasian girls. Go ahead sue me. I don’t give a shit. I never watch porn other than caucasian girl in it. That is my taste. And I don’t care what people think. “You are brown , you only watch” DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.   If you don’t like non-white man watching white-girl-porn then DO IT IN YOUR HOME. Okay ? Hypocrates !

Anyway , I asked two girls to strip naked for me . I requested actually. THEY DID IT . I don’t care if it was money or not. This is a big deal for me. No girl has strip naked for me. Both climaxes were excellent.  Who knew this could happen to me? That is how my fantasy become reality. They are super friendly. Again our reputation is bad.

I like cam girls. Much better than real girls. Real girls HAVE TONS OF DEMANDS .  Hello, I am not Brad Pitt. I were him I would not have cared either. I mean the expectations by the girls are so fucking insane.  “You are brown. You are ugly. Your penis size is 4 inch. You don’t have height. Your accent is not british. ” WHO CARES ???? Fuck your demands . Fuck your mentality !!!

Marriage & Children Vs Individual Happiness

Out of 4 friends I have , three are already married. One is enjoying himself in London as he discovered what a full bottle (quality) of wine can do to your nervous system. We all are 27-29 age group. I am happy for them.

As far as I am concerned , I am almost 28 , and still don’t see marriage happening in near future( 2 years). My parents don’t like this.  This is India. Indian culture. Marriage is sacred cow. After 25, everyone in the village starts asking “When are you getting married?” . I am like ,” Who are you Sir ?”  That is the way it is. I was born here so culture is culture same like Brexit means Brexit.

As you might already know my style of writing, I don’t give fuck to other people except my family.  I am still not excited about getting married. Rather I am terrified of it. I see with my very eyes this nation crumbling under stress of population. I see 4-5 members families living in one room. No privacy at all.

I can’t picture my daughter living in this hell. I can’t tolerate love of my life suffering in this hell. No way I am getting married in this country. I am physically incapable of loving anyone even me in this toxic environment. Even if I get married here , I am sure my wife will leave me in two months. I am pretty sure of that.

Being single is not that bad. I have small hall, kitchen for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can sleep whenever I want. I study at any time. I don’t have to take responsibility of one more person. I don’t have to  take another person for movie , garden ( In India we actually don’t have any privacy spot.SICK) .  I don’t have to change diaper of crying baby. I don’t have to SAVE money for my daughter education & cut down expenses on my study. (In India)

It is sick to see people starting family when they can’t even afford to fund one person’s decent life. It’s like let’s ruin four more lives with me. And that FYI is INDIAN culture.

However deep down  I do want to settle , get married & have four kids. Wonderful family just like Mr.Trump. I wish I was not born here and forced to choose between my individual happiness & marriage-children . That is sad life.  It fascinates me what life forces me to do. Sadly ,I am creature of my circumstances , not good position for a man who loves liberty.

 

America, I wish I didn’t know you.

( No edit  Just writing )

I was 6 0r 7 years old when I heard a word “America”. It felt good to hear. It got register in my heart permanently. It used to make appearance here & there in newspapers , TV. I was a kid from lower middle class family living in a small village of India’s west coast. I wish I didn’t hear the word “America”. Little did I know then that my youth is going affected like never before when I would get addicted to idea of being in America.

I am 27 now , soon 28. I should have got married by now. I should have settled like my friends did. Married, Wife, Happy Parents, Peace with life. No, that is not the case. There is no peace in my life. I had just returned from Germany where my master study abrupted by lack of finance. I lost two years worth of my life. And lot money I ashamed to admit. I have put my parents into a lot of pain . My siblings have suffered. But look at me , I am still adamant on idea of “being in America”. I wish I could delete America from memory. I can’t be at peace with my life till my feet the land of opportunity.

I wish I was born there. I wish I was there already eliminating rat race which I have to go through to get there. I am loosing my life. My time . My money. My health.  So I am not really sure when I get there I will be able to enjoy. If I reach there by 30 & married. How on earth I am going to enjoy my life at NYC? Forget enjoyment can I afford it?  Someone will say move to another city , what is the point of going through all this and just to let go my goal , bucket list. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when sun is going to shine. I don’t know when the  night is going to end. I don’t know if I will there when this done. I don’t know….