Mid Life Crisis

I have 8 days left for my 30th birthday.  I write this post after so long time that I don’t even remember being here. Not that anyone cares here if I am alive or not. But that is okay . I mean forget this, people in even real life don’t care if I exist or not. So not expecting anything here.

As I write this , I have Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata running on YouTube. Probably appropriate music for sadness , anger , frustration, hopeless I am going through now. I can’t believe I am on this planet on 30 years and still has no idea what the hell I want from it. My dreams are still dreams , may be rotten. My health is not that great . I am still virgin . I still haven’t kissed a girl.  I have not still fallen in love. Basically love life is fucked. Why bother to go in detail.

How about my financial state? Nothing is saved for future. I am living on credit card.  I am yet to send money to my parents each month which they expect now but don’t tell me. My job is not that bad but I hate going office everyday . Not because of job per se but this country fucked up traffic and population. It gives me physical pain to just talk about it. 5 years trying to get out of this country but no luck.  Don’t know what to do . Every day I hope I die in sleep , may be selfish thought for a guy who has family to support.  But what options do I have ? I can’t kill myself because of them. If I were alone I would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I chased many things in my life , but more I chase it seems that those things run away from me. Last few months , I am trying to give up on everything . I mean expectation of everything. Just want to watch each day pass through me , hoping one day death hit me and end this misery forever . I swear I will have no regret.  If death can give me relief from this suffering then God , please make it happen. Let this heart which is being tormented every second rest in peace.

Death clock extension says I have still 30 years left.  I don’t know man. I should have been married by now. I feel like between 20-30 I got stuck in my life. Not going anywhere  just stuck by sheer complexity of life .  I got overwhelmed by environment.  I got beaten down by this shitty country .  Plus my introvertedness didn’t help either. Probably worst decade of my life , I lost my people too. What should I do now? Start again or give up?  I have no answer to this quandary.

 

SHE said She is AFRAID of India !!!

She liked me when we had our first private chat. She was so happy being with me. I was too. Then she started to ask me questions to know more about me.  I know what was coming.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM ?  I said India ..I could have lied but I don’t want to start any relationship with lie.

I said what happened ?

She said, ” I am afraid of India”.

She is from Ukraine. She just started working as a cam girl. But some most motherfuckers from India have already ruined image of the country in her eyes. AFRAID.

Now her excitement about me has gone . The spark is gone. This is not first time this happened to me . Many relationships were broken even before they started because of my nationality , skin color, my face…

WHO SHOULD I BLAME ??? WHO ?? WHO ???? WHO???????????????????

 

Latvia , Bulgaria , Ukraine, Russia….

There was this guy : tall , handsome , muscular in  my team.  He was really  an exception in terms of physical appearance compare normal Indian men like me.  Then there was a girl , beautiful , tall, perfect smile ; again an exception. We used to talk ABOUT her.  When this guy came into our team, he saw her & said ,” I want her”.  Few days after he was talking TO her.  He broke her existing relationship & become her BF at will.  Salute to you Sir !

There are two kinds of guys: Type 1:  Those who talk ABOUT girls, and Type 2: Those who talk TO girls.

I am TYPE1. I like girls but I only think about them. I talk about them. I write blog about them. BUT I never TALK TO them.  What a shame !

Thanks to Cam girls. Now I at least chat with them.  I don’t want to talk about money I have lost last 3 weeks. I want to talk about how happy I feel being on the site.  The only thing I regret is that I am not rich. What a shame !

Latvia : I didn’t even know about this country 3 weeks ago. Now I am thinking moving there permanently.  I saw so many angels from Latvia. I used to think heaven is an abstract idea. No way in hell.  Latvia is the heaven.

Bulgaria , Ukraine, Greece, Russia …  the list goes on.  I have never seen such beauty in my life.  I think I was born in wrong country. What a shame !

I already told I like caucasian girls.  They are exactly like I dream about.  Their eyes . Their smiles. Everything seems magical about them. You want to fall in love with them. You want to touch them. You want to look into their eyes. You want to hold their hands. You want to take the walk to remember. You want to make them happy. You want to die for their smile…hmmm

Right now , I am just waiting for them to come online. They take me into the world I always dream of .  My real life is shitty now. It is some sort of hell.  But with them , I escape from this into magic of heaven. They make me happy. I try to make them happy.

I am glad found them….

 

THE WOMANIZER !

A womanizer is a man who always seems to have a new girlfriend, and who has no hesitation about starting up a new relationship before he’s ended the last one. Usually, these relationships are sexual and don’t last long.

I am virgin of 27 years old. I announce here that I will not waste time chasing perfect serendipitous love rather I would be trying to become A WOMANIZER.  I realised the real love is not for virgin. Sex is for virgins.

I wasted 12 years of my sex life ! Holy CRAPPY FUCK !

So , no more love crap. I am going to recover those 12 years . Hell yeah ! My plan doesn’t start in here this third world crap. As soon as I land in states , I will start the game. Barney give me blessing ! I might as well meet that dude.

You might say but dude you are ugly also still virgin . I heard alright. Art of seduction is a skill that can be learned. And I am god damn fucking good at learning.  This is happening. I am happy with my new goal. It is going to be Legen…………wait for it ………

 

Serendipity :One more reason to go USA !

Okay. Listen folks. It is about her. The girl I met in Summer 69. No no ! I think it was Summer of 2013. You can see that post somewhere in my blog. I have uploaded her picture and if she sees it then she is going to kill me for sure. Shh.. please don’t tell her. Anyway yesterday I visited her profile after long time, and guess what I saw She moved to Texas.

Texas ! Can you believe that?

As you know I have been planning to move USA last 3-4 years , but no luck. Without Rich dad , it is not easy. But I am not giving up though I am aging .  I don’t know why she went there, but my best guess is for Master education .  And the worst case is she married to NRI.In that case , this blog is waste of time. But let’s hope that is not the case.

Did you know the movies serendipity ? **Spoiler alert** How she writes her number on the book and finally that book reaches to the guy when he was about to get married to another girl. I love that movie. It feels right. That kind of story is worth living.  So, I assume she is not gonna get married next  2 years. Plus 6 months to find a job. 30 months that’s it.

30 months for My Serendipity in USA !

Actually I told her in EMAIL that I won’t disturb her unless she wants me to.  By the way that was an epic story. Let me know if you want hear it.  So I can’t contact her directly.  Via universe is possible. Via Law Of attraction in possible. Also, I will be here in India till mid 2017 in worst case. I hope till then She doesn’t fall in love with White boy. Which is less likely than other way around because she LOOKS like Angel.  Any way , I can’t control that I hope she will Single when we Seredipitically meet.  And my relationship status, don’t worry it has not changed since 1988 when I was born. So , of course I will be single.

Do me a favor if you have direct connection with God ,please pray for me. Thanks.

 

Indian Guy & omegle ?

It’s been awhile I have written something here. I usually don’t write unless I want to. So, I have been spending some time on omegle site – talk to strangers.  Honestly I should not be. It is total waste but when you are down you do the shit you usually don’t do . This applies to love as well.

As you know I am an Indian guy. I swear I did not rape anyone.  I haven’t even touched a girl. Forget sex not even kiss. I haven’t sent a girl my penis picture or have asked about her naked photos. I never insulted women online or offline. I have not harassed them  either. No unnecessary personal messages on facebook or no stalking online or offline. I am not saying I am the best character. All I am saying is I am a just decent guy.

I heard you ask,” Why on Earth are you telling us this?” Well. So this site Omegle allows you to talk to stranger. I usually use Text mode . I will explain why later on. It has nothing to do with my ability to speak . Okay, my understanding of this site it is mostly dominated by Generation Z ( teens 10-18) . I am Generation Y. So , not many of my type. Let me honest with you of course I don’t go there to talk to men. I go there to have decent conversation with women.

Here is the problem. I usually don’t lie about myself. Also I don’t start my conversation with ASL ( don’t ask me what this is..something age sex & ) . I just start the conversation based on shared interest. But then if I happened to chat with a girl which is hard , there comes questions like ,”what’s your name?” “Where are you from?”. Initially I didn’t know what to expect once I answered those question. But now I do. “YUCK” “Pigs” and then end of chat. Even today when I type “India” as my country , almost every time girls end the chat.  I understand why they do it. My countrymen have created really “great” reputation across the world. Especially among women. So I am automatically become rapist or pervert. Isn’t that cool ??

Any way I am not saying what they do is right or wrong. Fair or not fair. All I am saying that is the reality in life you get smashed for crime others to do because you share same ethnicity or skin colour.  That is the reason why I don’t use Video mode. My face is “Yuck”. Forget other girls across the globe , even Indian girls SKIP it. Again isn’t that cool?  I think it is cool.

Okay then stay away from Indian guys. Be Safe. Call 911 if you see an Indian guy approach you.

Unfollow Me

Since landing here in the month of June , I have been becoming more & more evil each passing day. The amount negativity the environment infuses in me & in turns in this blog is unreal.

Considering my major audience is from USA where life is considerably good. I want you to unfollow me Now. I am the evil you want to avoid. It is disease & it is contagious. If I were you , I would not have come within 100 miles radius of this blog. Self destruction is in progress.

You can block me incase you think you would stumble on my blog by mistake. Don’t take chance. You don’t have to see slumdog spitting poison. It is not great sight and not great use of your time. Also, if you see me commenting on your blog then report me as a spam. Or just block me. That would be great.  Get rid of this negativity once for all.

This is my battle. I don’t want another person to be affected by this shit.  That is it. I hope not to see again. Just because I care for you . Remember that Be Positive Get Set GO !

Welcome to SONA.

If you haven’t watch Prison Break then this is a SPOILER ALERT for you . Also, you will not understand my message here.

When I was in Germany and had a “privilege”  of Netflix , I watched this serial. From first episode I was hooked. I wanted to finish all seasons, but couldn’t as I had to come back to India. I watched  till the episode where Scofield escaped from SONA. Now, I can’t watch it because internet speed & charges here are “out of the world”.

Any way, this series kind of struck a chord with me. I felt like it is my story. The third world country I was born in is like Fox River which I broke in OCT 2015 after 26 years of effort . That is when I went to Germany. I was relieved you know. I could not believe it like Linc / Michael. India is nothing short of Fox River . We have too many T-bag, few Sucre , abundant Tweener etc. you name it. It is scary you know for someone who is yet to involve in physical violence or who is soft at heart. That is where I feel for Scofield. That poor thing went through hell to save his brother. He had to do stuff which he would not have done if he had a choice. Same here. I can relate to it. Prison changes you. Prison forced you to become evil. A constant struggle between right & wrong.

Till May 2016 , I was out of Fox River , but somewhere deep I knew this is not over yet. I “They” were still after me. And then it happened , I had to move back due to financial problem. It scared the crap out of me. I know this time around it it going to be more tougher than previous time. I was MOVING to SONA. I couldn’t believe how similar my life is with Prison Break. Scofield had moved to SONA. I was moving to India. You might say this is just imagination. Yes, it is until…

When I landed in India , I started feeling the HEAT.  It was 45 degree celsius. I was sweating literally from everywhere. That was hell of change from pleasant cool dreamy 8/10 degree celsius of Freiburg . The gate of HELL has opened. WELCOME TO SONA, Scofield. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS YOUR DEATH.

At my brother’s tiny room when I sit on mat after refreshing myself , guess what I saw ?  The brand name of the mat I sat on  SONA SONA SONA .  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was like YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME .  I was sweating again in spite of violent ceiling fan above my head.

That is the story guys. So far. I am still in SONA. I can see T-Bag has arrived. I don’t have Linc outside. I may have Sucre somewhere , but he could be busy with his wife. Sara, I am yet to meet her. I don’t know if she is alive or not. Death is constant threat. One day at a time , guys. One day. I am working on escape , but this time around it is gonna be easy . Welcome to SONA. Did you hear that? SONA SONA SONA ( Crowds cheering getting louder ) ….

Walking Dead in India

No , this is not about the Netflix serial.  But kind of related to it.

Do you know how face of dead man look ?  It looks like there is no life in it. No surprise there , dead means not alive. No blood flow. No life in skin. Insipid . Lifeless.

Where do you see those faces ? I heard you say , “funeral” You are right. You saw them in funeral you attended.  Did you enjoy those faces ? Static faces , no smile , no emotion. Did you ??  I hope not. You wish you don’t have to see them again. Instead you would like to see them “alive” “smiling” ” full of life” , right ?  I am with you on this one.  We love to see “Alive” faces. That reminds us that we are “living” creature.

NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO SEE AROUND ME ?    DEAD PEOPLE

What a joy that is !  I have no words to explain. From Morning to Night , From January to December, from Monday to Sunday , I am privileged to live with DEAD people.  What an fucking honor !

It’s like someone has sucked LIFE out of people from this country.  They are DEAD. They know they are DEAD. They wish they are DEAD. I can see HELPLESS on their faces . I see no smile. They no longer CARE . “If you don’t like my face, don’t look” ” I hate my life that is what this face, a dead face” .

No hi , hello to stranger. Because every other stranger is COMPETITOR or BARRIER between me & my happiness. That is true ,  there isn’t enough for everyone. Someone has to die. Someone has to  be left hungry . Someone has to unhappy. Everyone just want to make sure that they are not the “someone”.

Who needs  Netflix when I can literally live “Walking Dead” in India? WHO ????  By the way, I am dead too. Trust me , now days I don’t even look myself into the mirror. What is there to see in DEAD man ??  I make faces . You can see on face that I no longer CARE. I don’t CARE that I almost ran over a girl while catching the bus. I don’t CARE people spitting on road. I don’t CARE the bus smells like urine. I don’t CARE my food might contain sweat of human or worst. BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEAD. I am just WAITING for my body to DIE. Did you hear what I said? I AM FUCKING WALKING DEAD. Now Get out of my way .

I hope GOD is Proud of HIMSELF .  WHY WOULDn’t HE?

 

I Dream and They Live

“Don’t compare yourself with others.” We hear this wisdom passed on to us everyday. “Appreciate what you have” “Don’t look into others’ plate” and all that shit. You heard me right SHIT.

You have brain . Like good brain. You can analyse what is wrong , what is right . You can decide what you want. So you have formalise your dreams, goals. Your ideal life. And then you CAN’t seems to get it. You are being DENIED because you are in QUEUE. Let’s face it what you want is what everyone want. So WAIT and WAIT. You know you are getting old. You know “Ideal” life is pretty useless if you go bald or you don’t have teeth. You are sick of this wait.

Now you are on LinkedIn/ FB, Instagram or whatever social fuck you prefer . And there you see what ? Your IDEAL life . Yes exactly you dreamed of. It’s there . It exists. It is possible. BUT BUT I mean REAL BUTTY BUT you are not living it. Someone else is milking it in front of your eyes. SLAM . Now you don’t even have a laptop.

In what way are you expect me to be CALM by seeing what-his-face living my DREAM life. That is like watching Unfaithful all over again. It boils my blood that my dreams are being eaten alive by another human being and I can’t do anything. I am DENIED. How fair is this ?  Everyday I push myself out of the bed through this HELL because I HOPE I will live my dream life. But then I find people living it IN FRONT of my eyes. That is just wrong . That is just horrible.  Why God just end this life & dreams along with it ?  This is so wrong. This is just betrayal. Don’t compare my foot.